From 2 to 1

I recently lost a friend who was very dear to me. I still don't entirely understand why he chose to end our friendship. It's not up to me though, he is allowed to do whatever he wants and be friends or not friends with whoever he chooses. Am I mad? Am I hurt? Do I feel entirely betrayed? Yes. He was my best friend, I shared nearly everything with him and he cast me aside as if nearly three years of friendship didn't matter.

I suppose I should have seen it coming, he spent nearly our entire friendship running away from me but I kept dragging him back. Since then I saw him only once to get my stuff back and give him his, it's a sad way to end a friend ship. The worst part would be the giant empty space I feel in my chest, its like he took a little piece of me away with him and then just dumped it away like a piece of trash. You would expect this whole thing to be predicated by a fight or a falling out of some kind, but we had just hung out a couple of days prior to the pronouncement and everything was the same and normal. I even lost a good friend who I had started to grow close to and had only just gotten back after a while away because they were friends first. It's strange to go from spending 75% of your time with someone to spending no time with that person.

I completely broke down the day it happened, and after that I still defended what a great guy he was, but I've come to realize something. He's not a great guy, he is a jerk who took advantage of me, my family, and my home. I think that maybe I should have let him go the first time he tried to run away, then I might be better able to breathe.

Regardless of how bad he hurt me and how angry I should be. I just want that relationship back. Not him specifically but the knowing that you could call this friend because you were stranded or you didn't have money for the bus and they would be there, or that watching a cheesy movie with a pizza was a great night, or calling them at 3 am because you were scared or couldn't sleep. I don't have that now and it's the absolute worst part of losing a best friend. the absolute emptiness they leave behind when they go is like a huge cavern that used to be filled with to the top with treasure, but is now empty and in it's place is nothing a but a snapshot of what used to be there.

Vices

Everybody has their vices, my favorite vices at the moment are Ice Cream (because I have tried to cut my consumption in half, its hard when your friend works at Baskin Robbins) , art(the hours of studying of a picture leads my mind down paths that sometimes are too long to follow and sometimes they come up short) , and french fries (most junk food is easy to resist accept those darn cafeteria french fries at Southwestern).

For now I have to admit that not all vices can be contained, some are necessary for mental well-being. For instance, art. It takes my mind away from the moment and leads to day dreaming but the places my mind goes can never be translated to canvas. I like that place, so what if I day dream and scribble little sketches on my notebook?

The food is necessary for a little enjoyment, you can't deny yourself all of life's physical pleasures is to deny yourself that which has the potential to make you happy. Food brings people together, polite arguing with a new friend over which ice cream flavor better bonds you, conversation over good food leads to lightening of the conversation. Sharing a meal means sharing a distinct part of yourself, your true unadulterated tastes.

Another day of average

Today is Tuesday and that means that I am at school. School feels so draining even though all I do is sit in a classroom and absorb information like a sponge. Granted it's kind of like a sponge that you've had forever and is all dried out and needs to be replaced but some of the information is still retained. You wouldn't think a mental work out could be so exhausting. This last weekend I learned the importance of friends but I also learned the importance of being your own best friend. No best friend can be there for you all the time, only you can be there for yourself 24/7. I admit that sometimes having that outside support is nice and some experiences aren't meant to be singular, but if you are your own best friend your own happiness isn't wrapped up in another persons acceptance of you.

Weekend Enlightenment

I've discovered that happiness isn't tied to those oh so important interpersonal relationships everyone seems to find so easy when you're on the outside looking in. I realized this wekend that it's not that easy, nobody has it that easy. Everybody has to work at those relationships, and not every relationship has to work out. It's hard to come to grips with the idea that not everybody is going to like you, and you're not going to like them.

Channeling my frustrations with certain interpersonal relationships into positive actions for my own well-being is a long overdue release of tension. Soccer and laughter and being in the open air provided such a positive tension release. Best weekend in a while.

As of late...

As of late I feel like I'm slowly being suffocated by the world around me, I feel like everything is in achingly slow motion. I have fallen into a funk that I can't seem to shake. I nitpick every one around me, myself most of all. I have no faith in my body's abilities anymore, I'm slowly losing faith in my friends, I am losing faith in my own mind. I feel no drive and no motivation, I see other people smile and I only feel a deep cutting melancholy. I know I am no fun to be around anymore, even my best friend doesn't want to make plans with me anymore. I can't blame them either, I wouldn't want to hang out with the sad girl all the time either. I'm running out of life lines...

It's Superbowl Sunday

So it's Superbowl Sunday, and that really has no effects on my life... but I figured that's how I would title today.

Today I will be babysitting! I get to run around with some little tykes today, which should be fun.

Tomorrow I am plannin on hanging with a friend, I have no idea what were doing yet. We aren't even making solid plans because every time we do something happens. So this time we decided that we were just gonna leave the day open and see whats up.

It is just under 2 weeks until I go to San Francisco, I think I'm most excited about getting to tour SF State. My major is listed as impacted however, so my chances are kind of slim. Well I hope I get to tour it, you have to make an appointment after February 9th which is just 9 days before we wanna take the tour. I'll post pics from the trip for sure!

Second Week Of Spring Semester 2011

So far the spring semester has been off to a very sleepy start. My classes begin at 8:00 am which means I must take the 7:00 am bus which means that I wake up at 6:00 am each day. At least I did that for the first few days of classes. Now my mother takes me to school which means I get to sleep in a whole 25 ish minuites longer if I want to! Don't you just love parents sometimes?

I cannot remember at the moment when my last post was but I recently turned 20 years old. Which I suppose is a big deal. I am no longer a teenager, this must automatically mean that I am an adult with all those characteristics. Well...maybe not, but I'm working on it. I do like being 20 though, it does feel as if I'm just a little bit wiser. I do realize though that I am still yuiong and have lots to experience.

speaking of experience, I am going to San Francisco in about a month. My mom and I are going on our annual presidents day weekend girly getaway (aah, the sweet sound of alliteration). I am ridiculously excited to eb going on this trip. I love, love , LOVE San Francisco. While we are there we plan to take a tour of California State University Fresno. So far I haven't really had plans to transfer there but I do love the area and why not shoot for the moon?

The moon! Recently I have been getting a hankering to get out under the clear night sky and just feel small compared to it all. I have started an astronomy class this semester and it is really quite interesting, much more ibnteresting than I thought it would be. My teacher has this lovely dry sense of humor, today for instance we were in the planetarium getting an introduction to the sky and he had recordings that would play loud over the speakers. they were clip0s from star wars or the simpsons, it was funny in context....I guess you just had to be there...oh well for you.


this post has gotten rather long so I suppose I bid you adieu til' the next post. I'm aiming for next week but I don't know for sure if that will happen.