From 2 to 1

I recently lost a friend who was very dear to me. I still don't entirely understand why he chose to end our friendship. It's not up to me though, he is allowed to do whatever he wants and be friends or not friends with whoever he chooses. Am I mad? Am I hurt? Do I feel entirely betrayed? Yes. He was my best friend, I shared nearly everything with him and he cast me aside as if nearly three years of friendship didn't matter.

I suppose I should have seen it coming, he spent nearly our entire friendship running away from me but I kept dragging him back. Since then I saw him only once to get my stuff back and give him his, it's a sad way to end a friend ship. The worst part would be the giant empty space I feel in my chest, its like he took a little piece of me away with him and then just dumped it away like a piece of trash. You would expect this whole thing to be predicated by a fight or a falling out of some kind, but we had just hung out a couple of days prior to the pronouncement and everything was the same and normal. I even lost a good friend who I had started to grow close to and had only just gotten back after a while away because they were friends first. It's strange to go from spending 75% of your time with someone to spending no time with that person.

I completely broke down the day it happened, and after that I still defended what a great guy he was, but I've come to realize something. He's not a great guy, he is a jerk who took advantage of me, my family, and my home. I think that maybe I should have let him go the first time he tried to run away, then I might be better able to breathe.

Regardless of how bad he hurt me and how angry I should be. I just want that relationship back. Not him specifically but the knowing that you could call this friend because you were stranded or you didn't have money for the bus and they would be there, or that watching a cheesy movie with a pizza was a great night, or calling them at 3 am because you were scared or couldn't sleep. I don't have that now and it's the absolute worst part of losing a best friend. the absolute emptiness they leave behind when they go is like a huge cavern that used to be filled with to the top with treasure, but is now empty and in it's place is nothing a but a snapshot of what used to be there.

This Aint Nothin'

This Aint Nothin' by Craig Morgan is on my mind this afternoon. The lyrics are about an inner strength and how the material things aren't the things that matter. The things that matter are the relationships you have with the people around you. It makes me really thankful for the friends that I have and the family that loves me. Who knew that a sad country song would make me turn inward today? :p

Friday night I went to the Padres game with Patrick, Meagan and Gaston. Pics to follw :)

The learning curve

Lately I've been on this learning curve, its a pretty steep one too. I'm learning about people around me, I'm learning about myself, and I'm learning about peoples reactions to myself. not everyone is accepting of me. I have a strong outer personality shell, it's loud and boisterous and likes to say a joke so you don't look to close. It's hard to crack that shell, a different me lurks inside. The painfully awkward girl, who still doesn't think she's pretty enough for anyone. The girl who would rather you look at her and see beauty. I don't know that many people have broken this shell, people always leave too soon. they're not willing to put in the work to break my hard outer shell. Little do they know the simple act of trying and sticking around melts it away like ice in the sun.

some of the things I've learned have shaken me out of my comfort zone and away from people who might have cared or maybe they didn't which is why they got lost in the confusion. It's hard to be happy when a lot of what you used to value in the world just gets up and walks out of it. I'm aware that this isn't forever and that my life will move forward, I just want to skip this uncomfortable part.

Billiards with the boy

Dinner Date With Hillary

Rocky with the friends